Caution- Some things to avoid when being a true gentlemen

  
Every Gentleman faces one big problem in our modern age; that problem is that our culture and our pursuit as gentlemen are at odds. Unfortunately we absorb a lot of our cultures teaching simply through osmosis. Just by being born into our culture we are indoctrinated with certain norms and ideas that are not correct if we are to live as gentlemen. I am going to outline three categories of everyday life and how we can avoid certain aspects of them so as to be true gentlemen.

1. Speech:

a. Avoid conditional and filler speech- This speech mainly deals with the words "maybe" and "like." "Please like stop using the word like, like so much, it’s kind of maybe annoying you know." As gentlemen our speech needs to be clear and confident. Nothing muddles up a sentence faster than the word like, and nothing can confuse a woman (or anyone) better than the word maybe. You may not believe that you do this at all, but I invite you to try an experiment. Choose a day, and bring with you a notebook to track how many times you say like, or maybe. It will astound you how often you are not being clear or confident.

b. Avoid this list of words
-Chick
-Hot
-Babe
-Dude
-Basically anything that makes you sound like a tool or a frat boy. (Don’t talk about your truck if you have one!!!)

c. Avoid thinking ahead of her: LISTEN AND THEN RESPOND- live in the moment with her, clear your mind. Nothing is more annoying than feeling like your not being listened to. Try to flow with the conversation, avoid brining up stories that don't relate just because you want yo impress her.

2. Ideas:

a. Have you ever seen a guy walking with an attractive woman and thought "Man what did he do to get her" as if his character or his lifestyle qualified him for some beautiful woman. This thought reflects a cultural idea that women are trophies to be won by the valiant or the handsome. As Vesper said to James Bond in Casino Royale "You think of women as disposable pleasures, rather than meaningful pursuits" This idea can lead to some discouragement as well, you might be tempted to think that the reason you don't have an attractive woman at your side is because of some intrinsic worth you don't possess. Or if only you had some skill, or were better looking, or had made better decisions than you would have qualified for a beautiful woman. You can see the problem with this very toxic idea. Women are people, not trophies or objects to be won in some invisible race of masculinity. They are people, and as people they deserve your honor and respect.

b. We have a tendency to believe that attractive people are worth more, or deserve more of our time. Our society has taught us that the only women worth pursuit are the ones that we feel overwhelming attraction for. Thanks to Hollywood we can be easily fooled into ignoring or even mock girls we don't find attractive. Remember that all women are wonderful creations of a loving Heavenly Father; we need to treat them as such. Every woman deserves our time and attention, so avoid this tendency to favor the perceived attractive.

c. We need to avoid the idea that women just know what is going through our minds. We need to tell them of our intentions and of our thoughts. They want to get to know us, so feel free to share.

3. Deeds:

a. Look her in the eyes when you are talking. Men do not have powerful peripheral vision, meaning that in order to comprehend a person; our eyes have to dart around. Although this is natural, we need to avoid it. Nothing makes you look like a creep faster than some darty eyes.

b. Avoid driving too fast or crazy. Women are constantly projecting into the future, if they see your bad driving habits they might be put off. In addition, we as gentlemen have the duty to help our date to feel safe with us. This will go a long way, in more ways than you know.

c. Avoid putting down or mocking others while on a date, especially your waiter when you’re at dinner. Nothing is more unattractive then someone who can't say nice things about others.

There you go, hope these things can help you to examine your life and avoid cultural traps. One of my good friends Colleen is also writing a blog in the name great relationships. Click here to get access to a great blog.

A Real Connection- The Goal Of Any Good Man

   
A REAL CONNECTION- This is most likely the Holy Grail for any one who has ever taken a serious approach to dating. There seems to be this strange connection that all of our now married, or dating friends have found with their significant other. They tell us stories of how they "just knew" or how they feel like there is no one else in the world for them. They frankly, have been driving me nuts for the last while. I ask myself, what is great love? How do I find it? Is it a matter of whom, or just when? Maybe its a measure of the how? If only I could come up with some magical solution, I could simply apply some mysterious principal, then it would all come together and she would walk into my life.
     As single people, we are incomplete in a lot of ways. You've heard the old saying that your spouse will "complete you." I believe this is true, we need another person to help us feel whole, in a way that nothing else can. So the real question is, how do I find that person!?  Some think that its fate, or God, or something outside of themselves controlling the whole thing. I used to believe in destiny, until I realized that destiny must be in favor of the beautiful. So many more physically beautiful people find relationships and marry before the rest of us do. That is a topic for another day. So if its not destiny running the show, it must come down to our individual decisions. Now I do believe in God, I believe God is looking out for our best interest, I also believe God wants us to solve some of these life changing problems. I don't think he is going to make the most important decision of your life for you. I also believe that he has given us the tools to accomplish this monumental task. It is up to us to choose whom we will "tie the knot" with.
     As gentlemen, I believe we have the duty to prepare ourselves in every aspect to become men worthy of trust and parenthood. We need to be wise in our decisions and prudent with our time and money. There is however one problem!!! You can be a great gentlemen and never find that "real connection." Sure you can go on tons of dates, and each girl will feel like your something special. They even tell you they will be jelous of your future wife (very obviously not into you by the way). But if your anything like me, your going on dates, and trying your best to be your best, and things just aren't happening... yet.
    I am about to reveal what I think the key to finding that special person is. This has been something that I have been formulating for a while now, hence the lack of recent posting.
     The key to finding that great connection comes down to 3 important points.
1. Forget your expectations: Stop trying to fit the person you are dating or the person you are interested in, into some predetermined mold. Basically stop basing your compatability, or happiness with someone on whether or not that person conforms to your future plans. They are a person, a HUMAN BEING, capable of thoughts and feelings. They will change your life, they will mess with your plans, that's OK! You have to be willing to be happy without having your every expectation for that person and your life met. If you live with expectations and do happen to get married, you will most likely be divorced in a matter of years (selfishness never was happiness).  Simply feel for that deep connection. It might not be fireworks and stardust, (like you were expecting.) But it can be all it is supposed to be. You need to clear out the groundless thought that life, or people owe you anything and just plan to be surprised.
2. Spend Time: When dating someone, or trying to start to date them. You need to spend more than just a few hours every Friday with them at the movies or bowling. You need to spend time with that person. Connections are formed through time, most experienced married people will tell you that love is what you have been through together. Plan adventures and activities that will allow you to spend time with that person on a regular basis. Without pressure, just simply two people. Now please don't stop dating, courtship is still vital, just go above and beyond to give them your time. How often do you feel that people only spend time with you so far as you are useful to them? This happens to me all the time, and I hate it. Try to spend time with them, even if it doesn't benefit you directly. Take the time to really get to know them, really get into their life and their story. Then your free to make the call on whether or not you feel a connection.
3. GROW UP!: Its time to grow up. What I mean is that its time to come to terms with the fact, that forming a true connection takes time and self sacrifice. It will not always be happy go lucky time! This does not mean that it won't be amazing and surpass your wildest dreams, it will. You just have not experienced it yet, so how can you know what it should or should not feel like!!? You just need to realize, that you may have to give up your single "liberties" in exchange for the magic of a long term relationship. I love being single, its fun, its free, I don't have to answer to anybody. I also need to grow up, I need to be ready to form a deep connection, and leave all the other girls behind. I need to take courage and a leap of faith in order to have a deep connection.
     I went on a study abroad a few years back to Europe. On this trip I met and really found a great connection with a wonderful young lady. She wasn't a model, she wasn't perfect, she was just someone that I found I wanted to spend some time with (not to downplay her beauty, to me she was perfect). We had to stay together for 6 weeks while on this study abroad. We were forced to spend every waking moment together. You know what happened, a wonderful connection formed. Suddenly I didn't have access to the ocean filled with women in Provo. Suddenly there was only one person to connect to. What a great connection was formed, I felt in that relationship more of what I think true love will be than with any other person. All because there was a forced connection. There were no expectations, we spent a lot of time together, and therefor trusted each other deeply, and we had to just grow up. It wasn't about me anymore, I was able to give myself over quicker than ever before because I was away from the social pressures and the grass is greener syndrome. She eventually married someone else, someone with whom she shares a much deeper connection. But for me this was a profound learning experience.
     In closing I would say that the secret to finding that great connection is simple. If your looking for it, you just need to let go and go for it. I hope this makes sense, because these principals have changed the way I date. Remember the grass is greener where you water it!